hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
