I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
