need another drink. this is the easiest way
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
