i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
