By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
