May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
