The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
