quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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