Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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