im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
