Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
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