420 ftw
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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