i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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