You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Is this like a preordered booty call?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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