...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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