I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
