I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
