I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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