the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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