from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Well I just put wine in my tea
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
PANTIES FOUND
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