EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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