This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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