I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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