Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
