that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
