and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
