I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
