Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
