So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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