i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
