please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
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