There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
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He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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