I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
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I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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