Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
