Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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