I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
