the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
