Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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