I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
