I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
