I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
