Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
