when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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