so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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