the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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