I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
