Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
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She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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