Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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