feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
