When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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