this boner is exhausting
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
