I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
