Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
