i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
