So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
