im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
