You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
