I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm like, not good at living.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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