hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
